Even if it's Just Pretend
by I-am-the-survivor
Summary: Philinda one shot based off of the music video for Wildest Dreams by Taylor Swift. Rated M for safety cause of language and mild suggestiveness.


**Wow hi. I'm sorry for the super duper long hiatus but holy moly has it been one hell of a brick wall to scale since school started. I recently moved into a new house and I lost my laptop. Again. But I'm selling a piano so hopefully with that money I can buy a new one. But yeah I've joined a new fandom (obviously) Philinda for life man.**

It started nearly three months after Bahrain. She felt so empty. She didn't feel like a real person anymore. She heard whispers around the base. Silent wonderings of what had happened to her out there. She could feel the stares as they walked past her cubicle. Whenever she felt eyes upon her, her fingers would still upon the keyboard. Whispers went around wondering if her heart was even still in her chest. She supposes that's what brought her here. She drives around on her motorcycle trying to escape the memories seeming to chase her everywhere.

One day she was driving down the highway her mind wrapped up in the memories.

" _Please take my hand."_

" _I guess the Cavalry went in after all."_

" _I need a new mother."_

" _I'm scared."_

She didn't see the deer until it was almost too late. She veered off road the bike tilting roughly throwing her rolling across the street. She lays on the ground breathing in roughly. Her spine burning with deep incisions, hands aching from the fall. She lies still, not moving. She can hear cars screeching to a stop, a woman screaming for help, children crying, a man shouting at a 911 operator over the hollars. She still doesn't move; it's all so distant. Her body feels numb but one thing is unmistakable. She can feel her heart thudding in her chest.

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It took nearly two weeks to recover from the crash. They told her she was lucky she was wearing a helmet, otherwise she could have sustained a dangerous concussion. Three weeks she was stuck in that bed for fourteen days while Andrew fussed over her. He insisted that she rest. She never did. Whenever she closed her eyes she sees the girl's face. An unmarred complexion splitting into a bone chilling smile. Hands who had so much blood on them yet were so clean. Eyes pleading for help as she fired the bullet through her small chest. Color fading, eyes dulling.

They let her leave demanding she not return to her motorcycle for at least another week. So she remained in the passenger seat of the car staring out the window. When she returned to work a vase of flowers sat next to the keyboard perched next to a box of her. A hastily written note was perched on top of the flowers.

 **Get well Mel -Coulson**

She had to suppress an eye roll at that one even though it was certainly worthy of one.

"Like the note?" She jumps spinning around nearly knocking her chair over in a panic. The sight of Coulson standing at the entrance of the cubical.

"What the hell Coulson? I thought you were supposed to be on a mission."

"Finished early. You look like you could use a day off." He says with a smile.

"I've just had three weeks off." She stares at him mildly irritated.

"Well I got you one anyway and we're going to celebrate our day off with a round of drinks."

"Phil I can't."

"On me." She still didn't budge glaring at the man in front of her. His suit was slightly wrinkled from the long flight. His lips twisted into an almost impish smile.

"Fine."

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In retrospect she had way too much to drink. They both had. Phil had been the one to suggest slipping out of town and more into the country. He had taken them to a bar and she had drank far past her limit. It was a desperate attempt to silence the voices.

She stumbled as she tried to stand giggling like a maniac as Coulson caught her. She let out a mumbling apology along with a few other suggestions. She hadn't expected him to accept them.

That's how she ended up like this. Her former CO pinning her against the wall of some motel that looked like it was running low on business. Heat follows his lips as he trails kisses down the side of her throat. She bit her lips to silence herself the beating of their hearts seemed to be as one echoing loudly against her eardrums. As they stumble into the bedroom tearing at clothing and tossing them across the room. She pushes him back onto the bed straddling his now bare waist. It's rushed but he's so careful at the same time. He's precise sure not to leave a mark upon her. He even avoids touching her hands at any cost.

Even after they're spent and laying next to each other he doesn't push her. He lets her take control allowing her to lay her ear upon his chest as the beating of his heart lulls her to sleep. He doesn't fall asleep himself until nearly three in the morning. He doesn't want her to face her nightmares alone. Not ever again.

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A sharp ringing startles her awake. Her mind is foggy and heavy with pain. She reaches over to the nightstand plucking the phone off of it and answering it.

"Hello?"

"Melinda oh thank god." Andrew breathes out relieved.

"What's wrong?"

"What do you mean what's wrong? I've been trying to call you since yesterday. They said you had the day off. Why didn't you tell me? I would've come to get to you."

"No!" She gasps as she feels something or someone shift next to her. "I mean no." She says quieter now. She could feel her heart racing trying to remember the events of last night. "Maria was being stupid. She called me out of work and we went to go drinks. We both had too much so we rented a room at a hotel." Her tongue felt heavy with the lie.

Her hands tremble as she spots the clothes littered on the floor. This was more than just a drunken night… She cheated on her husband.

The world began to spin and she felt like she was going to vomit.

"Mel!" A voice shouted. The phone slips from her fingers as she makes her way to the bathroom slamming the door behind her as she did so.

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"And you're sure you cheated?" Maria asks as she drives Melinda back to her home.

"Being naked next to me former CO isn't convincing enough?"

The brunette shrugs. "I can't believe you slept with Coulson. What'd he say when he woke up?"

"Nothing. I told him nobody had to know what we did and I left."

"Damn."

"That's for sure."

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Melinda May is a thrill seeker. She discovered this about herself shortly after the incident with Coulson. She began taking more risks. They got her heart beating faster. It reminded her that she was alive. She survived that day. She needs her own heart beat to drown out the voices.

The wind whips around her filling her ears along with the loud beat of her heart. The waters crash against the minerals beneath her feet. She had left early that morning without premonition of where she was going. She strips herself of her shirt and her shoes.

A flash of red appears out of the corner of her eye: Lola. Shit how did he find her. Her eyes fall on the motorcycle Andrew had bought her. Of course.

Her bare feet kick up the dirt and rocks beneath her toes and she leaps over the side of the cliff.

She wasn't sure what was louder anymore: the wind or her heart. She felt like she was flying for a few seconds. The air chilling her now bare arms. The water envelops her like a blanket as she sinks closer to the bottom. The force of the fall knocks the air from her lungs sending her scrambling desperate to reach the surface. She felt like she was suffocating in the bitter silence. She would die alone and her only companion was the one thing that drove her to do all of this. Her heart beat.

A pairs of strong arms hoist her from the water pulling her into the now chilly air. She allowed the darkness to wash over her in the presence of strong arms that didn't help to slow her pounding heart.

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"Are you out of your mind?" Phil nearly shouts drawing attention from some cadets passing by.

"I think I might."

"Melinda this is a serious matter. If I wasn't out there you could have died."

"That's the whole bitter part of it isn't it Coulson? I died months ago. That- That made me feel something."

"Melinda…"

"I died in that building Phil. I don't feel anything unless my heart is racing and-"

"You need to let it go Melinda."

"I can't! Don't you get it I can't!" She snaps flinging the blanket off her shoulders. Her blood was burning her face turning a bright red. "I can't feel anything anymore. I only feel something if that happens or-"

"Or what?" She meets his eyes and all anger has been erased from his face. Sympathy reflects in his eyes. He's the only one who knows partially of what she's been through.

"Or that night. At the bar."

"Mel…"

"I just want the voices to be quiet. I can still hear her Phil…"

His lips press against hers roughly sending her heart soaring once again.

In the aftermath she helps straighten his tie.

"This can't happen again."

"Well nothing lasts forever." His hands are around her waist not intimate but supportive. He's here to help her if she needs it. Damn does she need it.

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"Mel." Andrew approaches her wrapping her in a tight hug that has her tensing up. He backs away with a quick apology. "I was worried."

"Don't be." She says quietly. He doesn't deserve this pain. He doesn't deserve what she's been doing to him. All she's done is push him away. Now? She's cheated on him, several times.

"Mel are you okay?" He gasps spotting a bruise on her shoulder. He mores to touch her again and she backs away fully.

Her throat feels like it's been stuffed with cotton. Her tongue is made of lead and her eyes brim with tears. "I want a divorce."

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It had been nearly two months since Melinda had gone anywhere. Even her work was abandoned at the time. The only person she had remained in contact with was Maria Hill and that was because she went drinking with her every now and then.

Since the divorce she had moved into her own apartment. She insisted that Andrew keep everything. Most of it was his anyway. She had enough in her savings to furnish what was necessary of her apartment. Guilt wracked her every waking moment and nightmares haunted the ones when she slept.

She dressed in a nice dress clutching an envelope to her chest. She would just leave it for Phil and go. She hopped in a taxi heading for his hadn't meant to shut him out but with all of the emotions of the divorce and him starting the Avengers Initiative it just happened. She was ready now though. She's ready to heal.

She steps out of the taxi walking up to the door slowly. She's played this scenario so many times in her head. If he was home she'd ask him out for a drink. If he wasn't she'd leave the envelope for him.

She raises a hand to knock when she hears a giggle from behind the wood. Through the window she spies Coulson spinning a brunette in his arms, kissing her neck. She didn't even have time to react before the door was swinging open. A brunette stood in front of her her hair tousled and a silly smile on her face. She was clad in a very familiar Captain America shirt that was oversized on her.

"Can I help you?" She asks.

Her mouth hangs open trying to find the words she had prepared so many times in her head. She had never planned on this one.

"Who are you?" The woman asks.

"Sorry" May shakes her head. "I'm Agent Melinda May."

"Oh." Her face falls. "Is he needed for work? Today was supposed to be his day off and I-"

"No. No." Her heart falls to her stomach in confirmation. They were on a date. "I just came out of a mission and I needed to speak to Coulson."

"Couldn't you have called?" Damn. She was good.

"They broke my communication in the middle of the mission."

"Well I can go get him if you want." The woman steps back.

"That won't be necessary. Thank you though…"

"Audrey."

"Thank you Audrey. Just… Give this to him when you have the chance."

"Will do. Are you sure you don't need to see him?"

"Yes thank you." She turns around walking towards the taxi.

"Mel." She still upon hearing the nickname. "Audrey could you give us a second?" She hears she woman- Audrey- walk away.

Slowly she turns back to face him. He's clad in pajama pants and a loose fitting t-shirt and damn him for looking so good.

"Where have you been?"

"Andrew and I got a divorce."

"Melinda…" He moves to place a hand on her shoulder but she pulls away. She shies away from his touch just like she did to Andrew. "Mel…"

"Don't call me that." Her voice breaks as she meets his eyes. Damn him for making her feel like this.

"I didn't hear from you for two months."

"I know. I'm happy for you."

"Melinda…"

"May. Agent May." She states stepping away again. His hand catches her wrist.

"May listen to me."

"She's waiting on you." Her eyes fall on the girl watching them through the window. "Goodbye Coulson."

"May wait." She lets her fingers slide through his hands as she walks away. She climbs into the taxi a deep frown marring her face.

She watches Coulson's figure grow smaller in the side mirror as she drove away.


End file.
